Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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