On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
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