JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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