At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Randomize
