you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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