God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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