i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
