people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
