broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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