There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize