i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
