That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
