I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
