Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize