Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
