clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
