she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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