So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
