I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
People in love make me want to vomit
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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