Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
