We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
