nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize