if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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