I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I could fuck to npr.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
