it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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