meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
