I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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