your parents love me but you hate me
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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