Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
