STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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