I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Green mimosas i think yes
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
