Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
