two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
