i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Randomize
