Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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