Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
