I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
