U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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