She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
