im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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