Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
