somebody snuck up and got me drunk
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
