This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
This is the high leading the old right now
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
