Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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