The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
