He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
