on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize