I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
