party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
