apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
