Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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