My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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