she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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